We all think we have time. Time to do that thing we keep putting off, sometime next week. Time to go to that place we promise ourselves we will go to, someday. And the dangerous type mistrust put in time, time to phone or message someone tomorrow. But in fact in a flash, the imagination invested into how things would be and creating in our minds the how a particular event would go, the experiences we may gain from a certain place, or the conversations we may have with someone, all is suddenly gone. Just like that. Just like that all our fantasies are left as fantasies without them ever evolving into play. Just like that all this hyped emotion surrounding anxiety and anticipation over the predicted future disappears. Just like that we find ourselves grieving over yesterday and wishing we had acted sooner. It is these ‘cold shower’ moments, which make us be in sync with our senses and in touch with where and who we are and who we could become if we were more open; if we can’t do this for ourselves, do this for what has been lost. This is a very hard concept to grasp; it can take hours, days, weeks, months or even years to realise and come to terms with what was taken by time, unable to comprehend the present. It could be something that we are able to just barely touch with our fingertips.
I had this school friend. This friend and I shared a mutual fondness, laughs and banter, and used to speak with eyes when speaking with words were an unavailable option. School years went by and it was time for my friend to move onto university (they were 2 years older), we said we’d keep in touch and for a while we did. However we lost contact, only saying a quick hello at birthdays- they were only two days apart, but my friend was never far from my mind, they were too special. Although my friend and I shared similar ground, both living with a physical disability, we did not share much about our personal difficulties; maybe this was because we were caught up being teenagers, maybe they too big to express, or maybe they just escaped our minds for a while. One thing I didn’t know about my friend, at the time, is the extent of their condition: that it was life limiting. But maybe if I knew this, the friendship we had would have been different, maybe we just shared enough- in order for both of us to enjoy and benefit from the exchange. Recently my friend has passed away. To say the least, this was quite shocking. My friend was only 25 years old. They were at an age where most people at this age are trying to get a handle on adulthood, with some having freak-out moments of not being where they thought they would be. But, really, are these mind crippling thoughts worth it? Life is more than career, money, materialistic things-that eventually you grow tired of. The one question that we all should be asking ourselves is what makes us happy? As I write I wonder what thoughts my friend had. What did they think of peoples’ worries about the trivial things? Did they have thoughts which began ‘what I would do is’? What did they prioritise? A dominant question in my mind is, was my friend scared?
I feel guilty that l lost touch with them and didn’t let them know I was thinking them. I feel guilty that now it is too late to turn my thought -maybe I’ll send them a message- into an action. I hope this post connotes how much I did value the friendship we had.
These times of grieve and loss, are reminders that we have only now to live. It is now we can make changes. Now we can remove the negatives and focus on the positives and finding, or living, in our personal definitions of life. Most importantly it is now that we have to reach out the people we care about and build on our relationships’, don’t let it be too late to demonstrate how much you value others. There might not be tomorrow.
I am dedicating this post to my friend. A friend that has taught me not to take time for granted.
All my love XX